So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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