saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
