It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
