Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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