my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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