Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Randomize
