I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
