Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize