when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
