it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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