Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
