If that was your dad, he is hot
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
