Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
