Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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