I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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