the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
