nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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