Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
