I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
