Jerry, you need to find god
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
