Someone shit on the floor
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
