I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize