Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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