i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
