Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
