So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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