Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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