I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize