Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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