It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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