I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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