I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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