what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
