listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
