Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
