My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
