my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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