that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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