last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
