New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
