wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
