i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
