How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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