Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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