it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
