dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Barsexuality is the new black.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
