I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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