I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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