did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
this will be a night to untag.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize