You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
