somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
