At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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