wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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