I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize