i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
