The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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