What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
