Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
